Your Blind Enthusiasm is Giving Me Existential Dread.

Yesterday I wrote down my thoughts fairly haphazardly (I didn’t reread and revise) about whether we ought to confront our doubts and fears and reveal those to others, or if we should keep them hidden from them, and maybe ourselves — if we should suppress those creeping feelings. In religion they’d call it Satan. They’d say “Satan is whispering to you, shaking your convictions and instilling doubt. Cast him out!”

I guess that’s my answer, then. If we are to trust biblical wisdom, then being a cynical “pissy bitch” is the same as being weak and corrupted. It makes sense, since negativity really does spread like wildfire. Someone might be upset about the way someone looked at them, perceiving it as judgment, and that perception might be inaccurate, stemming from insecurity. They carry those bad feelings with them to work, then begin speculating with their coworker about how everyone is so “judgmental these days”. The coworker begins to reflect on situations they hadn’t even considered, and every new interaction is approached with suspicion. Chain effect type stuff. Yeah, whatever, not rocket science.

I’d like to also add, tacking this on from yesterday, I always ask my employees “_______, how are we doing today?” There are two answers. Answer A is “Great.” Which tells me I can break the conversation chain and continue without worry. Everyone is focused and there are no major personal concerns I need to address. Answer B is “Well, this happened.” Fill in the blank here. This would mean an emergency or serious situation that needs to be resolved before work can commence.

I ask because I care, but I had an employee who took the middle road, and began telling me her entire life story. Is this what I did to my employer when I was 22? I hope not, but it’s possible. I feel like he really approached me more personally, tried to befriend me… I don’t know, I could be misremembering. Regardless, this employee of mine seemed to misunderstand the nature of the question. She seemed to have no consideration for the fact that my body was in motion when I asked. Then I stopped as she unraveled the painstaking details before me. I waited nodding. I said not a word except for “uh huh.” “uh huh.” while I thought "Does she do this to everyone?” Yes. The answer is yes. I overheard her later, as a customer asked “What’s your favorite product here?” “Well… I don’t know, I don’t really like any of them.” She said.

Ya, okay, so I see the errors of my ways. I was more arrogant when I was young. I was self-centered and really thought the world revolved around me. It was and is a blind spot. That’s what I’ll write about next time: Blind spots. Those are fascinating, and you don’t really get confronted by them until you’re married. At least, I didn’t.

Wow, six paragraphs deep and I haven’t even gotten to the point. We’ve established that “Your pain and cynicism spreads and creates more pain and cynicism.” I just wanted to say that, as much as this may be the case — your blind and ignorant joy gives me existential dread.

It’s true. Watching people fake smile and pose as getting along to obtain some other goal, sends me spiraling. Often times, its quite a shallow thing they’re trying to do. They’ll mimic the behaviors of someone else, or laugh to loud in a group or what have you. Usually, it seems to me, they don’t really know what they’re looking for. They have massive blind spots, and they’re craving something they aren’t addressing, and they’re coasting by on a lie. They’re filling whatever is missing with the thing that massages the ego, and keeps them from looking at the weakness of their character.

Honesty is so attractive to me, because its an open invitation to grow together. That’s why conversations seem so much better; they’re not filled with performative shitty lies. It takes confidence to say what is making you feel bad. I’m not given confidence whatsoever by someone who is pretending everything is okay when it’s not. I’m rattled by it, because….

At the end of the day, we’re all going to die. I’ve thought about this a lot. A lot a lot. I’ve given myself panic attacks over it. If you truly, genuinely consider this, and the real weight of it — like, what are you here for and what have you accomplished? Or what have you not accomplished? If you have grappled with that, and the mistakes you or your loved ones have made, and the weight of those things in your heart, then you couldn’t exist in such a two-dimensional state where false admiration provides you any comfort. Convincing people of your massiveness in the world wouldn’t do anything for you, because you’d realize that… you’re so small.

I want to hold every posturing person that is absorbing dark energy from the attention they are receiving down and show them a photo of themselves on their death beds. Can we all just like… relax and not throw each other into an existential crisis? Can we live in a proper manner where we accept our insignificance, and recognize that posturing and preening are low-value endeavors? Can we all seek depth in our relationships? Can we pry honesty out of each other and speak even when we’re wrong, because we’re just trying to figure shit out together?

I smoked tonight, I promise next time I post it’ll be more cohesive thinking, but for the sake of authenticity I didn’t want to alter anything or delete it. I know I lost the thread… whatever.

Good Evening.